PRESIDENTIAL MANIFESTO

If I am elected president of Nigeria, the first thing I would do is ban all form of religion (including state sponsorship of religious pilgrimages to ‘holy lands’) but I would encourage spirituality. I would ban ethnic and tribal discrimination, ban quota system, all you need to show is that you are a Nigerian and you would get that job or admission into university simply on merit ( no more ‘Place of origin’ on application forms). I would ban GENERATORS!!!  We would all sit in hot darkness till we find a solution to our power problem. I would fund research institutes and sponsor our young people (believe me Nigerians have the best), we will find Utopia within a short time. I would end capital punishment but introduce public floggings followed by life imprisonment without the remotest possibility of parole for offences like corruption, rape, nepotism, child marriage and election rigging! Under my watch teachers will be the highest paid (N200k starting salary with full welfare package) while politicians will work bro bono!  I will ban all importation (including Brazilian, Spanish and Indian hair) and our motto shall become ‘IF WE DON’T MAKE IT, WE DON’T NEED IT!’ I will provide free and COMPULSORY education to all Nigerians, make history a compulsory subject from nursery school as well as civil education aka good manners; and if a child is seen hawking during school hours, the guardian of such a child would be flogged publicly with peppered koboko and sentenced to listen to Femi Fani Kayode 24/7, for the rest of their life.  I would make health care free for all Nigerians. Under my watch, Nigerian  women would be accorded high regard and respect, violence against women will be forbidden and any man who abuses a woman, howsoever, will be sentenced to public flogging and banished to Sambisa forest.  Finally, I would declare a DR STELLA ADADEVO day to celebrate the Nigerian, heroism and sacrifice; and to remind us all of the value of altruism in nation building. So do I have your vote? If there are other pressing needs you would like me to consider as your president, please send your requests. Long live Nigeria! One nation under a groove!